Things You Can't Do Coked Up

PETTING ZOOS

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:43:17 -0400

PETTING ZOOS

VACCINATIONS Take it like a fucking man, Sally. There’s no...

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:18:24 -0400

VACCINATIONS

Take it like a fucking man, Sally. There’s no crying in cocaine and booster shots.

GIFT-WRAPPING

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:25:22 -0400

GIFT-WRAPPING

GROUP THERAPY Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut...

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:12:19 -0400

GROUP THERAPY

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. How the fuck did Freud put up with this shit? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up…

ATTEND YOUR LITTLE SISTER’S DANCE RECITAL

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:25:56 -0400

ATTEND YOUR LITTLE SISTER’S DANCE RECITAL

“BE RIGHT BACK”

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:52:05 -0400

“BE RIGHT BACK”

REMAIN IN-SYNC You’re a time zone ahead of everyone...

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 11:07:00 -0400

REMAIN IN-SYNC

You’re a time zone ahead of everyone else’s meter, Janice. Does “ensemble” mean nothing to you?!? Grant, work on your Pas de bourree. I’m going out for a Vitamin Water and a cigarette. Janice, there’s no “I” in “fuck you.” Take a xanax and loose the puffy vest?

REMAIN CALM WHEN A CAMERA IS PRODUCED AGGGHHH. Oh my god. Must....

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:59:08 -0400

REMAIN CALM WHEN A CAMERA IS PRODUCED

AGGGHHH. Oh my god. Must. Jump. In. Front.

QUELL THE “FIST PUMP”

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:15:00 -0400

QUELL THE “FIST PUMP”

PLAY BARBER

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:03:00 -0400

PLAY BARBER

QUIT YOUR JOB IN TALK RADIO You’re annoying. Get paid for...

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:51:00 -0400

QUIT YOUR JOB IN TALK RADIO

You’re annoying. Get paid for it.

ENJOY SUNRISE Apparently when your watch read “5:00...

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 12:53:00 -0400

ENJOY SUNRISE

Apparently when your watch read “5:00 am,” it didn’t mean “just after midnight,” like you thought.

“Time” had really better get his act together…

ROLLER COASTERS

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 10:54:49 -0400

ROLLER COASTERS

GET AN iPHONE3G Lines don’t mix well with lines. Oh,...

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:08:00 -0400

GET AN iPHONE3G

Lines don’t mix well with lines. Oh, irony.

BE DISCREET Not that I blame him. If I did coke with Scarlett...

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:15:00 -0400

BE DISCREET

Not that I blame him. If I did coke with Scarlett Johansson and was a graffiti virtuoso, I might do the same. Of course, I would try and spell her name right. But perhaps that was part of the “art.” Or an (*snnnniffff) oversight?

http://gawker.com/5028729/scarjos-private-life-revealed-in-graffiti

BE AN UNWELCOME ADDITION TO THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:15:00 -0400

BE AN UNWELCOME ADDITION TO THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY

FEEL OUT OF PLACE ON A REALITY TV SHOW In fact, I think...

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:49:00 -0400

FEEL OUT OF PLACE ON A REALITY TV SHOW

In fact, I think it’s a pre-requisite. It ensures you will drink more, eat less, and fight when provoked.

Name? It’s nice to meet you, Tanya. What was your last job? Stripper? Sweet. And you eventually want to go back to college? Whatever. Now, Tanya… What would your reaction be if I, for instance, poured a line of really poorly cut coke on this table, asked you to snort it, punch your friend and then try to make out with the chick next to you? You did that last night? Tanya, welcome to Hollywood.

UNDERTIP… ANYONE Hello, bartender! A $10 for your work!...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:17:00 -0400

UNDERTIP… ANYONE

Hello, bartender! A $10 for your work! Cab driver! Drop me off around the corner and I will unknowingly lavish you with scads of this verdant American currency! Hi, little girl! Have a fiver! No, two! Heeeyyyy, now. Is that a bluebird on my shoulder?! A $20 for your thoughts?!

MY FAVORITE FAN MAIL TO DATE:

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:43:00 -0400

Hey, I thought that you might be the safest person to ask about this (safer than a random Craigslist ad at least!). I am having the hardest time finding a coke connect in the Hamptons, specifically Southampton. I’m not from New York City and I don’t go there frequently enough to find coke there and bring it here. Do you know anyone that sells it here? If not, could you ask your friends if they anyone here or if they ever even come out here, if they could bring some in and I could buy from them? I am so new here (just moved here) and found your blog in a comment on Gawker.com. I read your entire blog and it’s a fine piece of work. Nothing short of brilliant, haha! I also wanted to add my own little thing for your tumblelog… something you can’t do coked up is… and especially if you don’t have access to drinks and have crazy cotton mouth going on is… whistle! :) Looking forward to hearing from you, XXXX

The below post goes out to him/her (and his/her grapefruit sized balls)…

WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK If only you could fucking express how...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:04:00 -0400

WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK

If only you could fucking express how great you’re feeling with a simple fucking whistle!