BE AN UNWELCOME ADDITION TO THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY
FEEL OUT OF PLACE ON A REALITY TV SHOW
In fact, I think it’s a pre-requisite. It ensures you will drink more, eat less, and fight when provoked.
Name? It’s nice to meet you, Tanya. What was your last job? Stripper? Sweet. And you eventually want to go back to college? Whatever. Now, Tanya… What would your reaction be if I, for instance, poured a line of really poorly cut coke on this table, asked you to snort it, punch your friend and then try to make out with the chick next to you? You did that last night? Tanya, welcome to Hollywood.
UNDERTIP… ANYONE
Hello, bartender! A $10 for your work! Cab driver! Drop me off around the corner and I will unknowingly lavish you with scads of this verdant American currency! Hi, little girl! Have a fiver! No, two! Heeeyyyy, now. Is that a bluebird on my shoulder?! A $20 for your thoughts?!
Hey, I thought that you might be the safest person to ask about this (safer than a random Craigslist ad at least!). I am having the hardest time finding a coke connect in the Hamptons, specifically Southampton. I’m not from New York City and I don’t go there frequently enough to find coke there and bring it here. Do you know anyone that sells it here? If not, could you ask your friends if they anyone here or if they ever even come out here, if they could bring some in and I could buy from them? I am so new here (just moved here) and found your blog in a comment on Gawker.com. I read your entire blog and it’s a fine piece of work. Nothing short of brilliant, haha! I also wanted to add my own little thing for your tumblelog… something you can’t do coked up is… and especially if you don’t have access to drinks and have crazy cotton mouth going on is… whistle! :) Looking forward to hearing from you, XXXX
The below post goes out to him/her (and his/her grapefruit sized balls)…
WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK
If only you could fucking express how great you’re feeling with a simple fucking whistle!
TWEEZE
Or, before you do, just make sure your health care has good emergency room coverage.
ENYA
PERFORM IN A MUSICAL
Shit. OMG. I’m supposed to be onstage soon. Wait. Or am I? Damn, I’m thirsty. Wait. Which act are we in? Is it weird that I think the drama teacher is hot? I can’t stop tapping my foot. I wonder if we’ll be able to score beer later. Shit. I’m in the wrong costume. No. Wait. I’m not. Am I talking out loud? OMG. OMG. OMG.
ATTEND MASS
The communion wine is really all you got going for you. And that ain’t much.
BE A GOOD SNIPER
RUN
Any distance beyond 5 feet and you could suffer a coronary. I would consider signing up for a drinking contest, instead. Or just walk.
SCUBA DIVING
If the face mask and mouth piece don’t annoy the shit out of you… Yep. You just snotted up your face mask.
Just play it cool around the sting-rays, brah.
TAKE IN A RELAXING CUP OF TEA
GIVE YOUR JAW A BREAK
Jaw clenching: a tell-tale sign that one has been frolicking in the white marching powder. Or that you have tetanus.
ONLY USE YOUR KEYS FOR UNLOCKING DOORS
